Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
