my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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