just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
All the doctor said was why
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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