I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
