he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
