my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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