I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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