Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
