Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
