I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
