We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
