You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The feeling are messing with the penis
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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