I think i sorta joined a cult last night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
