I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
