I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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