Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
