I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
porn star boner night. come get it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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