I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
