the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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