I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
