Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
