I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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