I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
