Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
