It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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