Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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