i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
pop tarts are not kleenex
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
