Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
