If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
