Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
