Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
