My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
