It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
