dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm at about main and main street
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
