I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
