Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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