my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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