I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
