matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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