I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
