If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
