Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
