apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
