don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
