I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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