New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
