I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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