She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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