Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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