She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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